Do you know we all owe the society some obligations? Or say society makes us feel like we are owing to it a debt? The society expects some things from you and God helps you if you can’t deliver at the time it is required, for those who live to please others, it can be hell. can’t get a job on time, can’t get married on time, or you are married but couldn’t have babies on time… I don’t want to imagine. No one or to be fair, most people do not consider what you want from your own life, they are more particular about you falling in line with the norms.
Truth be told, many people have rushed into relationships putting the norms, traditions, or what others think before there own needs and desires. You are expected to start a journey down the aisle once you are through with school, say university or polytechnic, but the truth is, a degree or HND certificate may prepare and empower us for the life ahead, but it doesn’t prepare anyone for matrimony. I do not want to bore you with a long tale, let’s quickly discuss some questions we should answer before going into a relationship.
1. Who am I? : Have you ever look back at yourself in the mirror or meditate quietly on this question? Try to stand in front of a mirror and ask your reflection “who am I?” Don’t know if it works for everyone, but the result will amaze you.
If someone is to ask you “describe yourself in 30 seconds” what will your response be? There are people we find it difficult getting along with, doesn’t mean they are bad people or something is wrong with them, just that we don’t flow with them like we would have loved to, plus we don’t have much in common, hence, constant disagreements.
If you know who you are, recognizing someone, a partner who will complement you won’t be too difficult. When you find yourself in the company of someone you are not really compatible with, it won’t be hard to know, you won’t have to force it.
And by the way, when we meet someone who is more of a round peg in a square hole, it is acute stupidity to try to change them to make them fit. Of course, there are points we need to make compromises and adjustments in a relationship, but mind you, adjustment, not transformation. Why work hard to make a Motorola battery fit a Nokia phone when you can go buy a real Nokia battery? You have been friends with someone for like 2 years or more and you disagree more than you agree, you aren’t together and you do not miss them when you are together and you feel since “you guys don jam why not do it”? I no no no dey o LOL. Back to the main issue.
2. What is my passion/drive/ambition/purpose?: This point is much more like the first, but I separated it cause I gave it a separate heading cause it is very very important.
Have you discovered where you want to be it you are still wandering aimlessly? What are you passionate about? What are those things that drive you? What are your goals? Most importantly, what is your purpose? You may not be there yet, but at least you have an idea, even ideas about who you want to be and where you are going.
God didn’t create all of us the same and it is not a crime to be different. Some people want a normal life, they enjoy solitude, but some will die prematurely if they live a normal quiet life, they love noise and thrives in it. I have seen women do so well in politics while their husbands are just there, a civil servant who the best he can do to change a situation is a jerk and cuss at his newspaper in the morning. He enjoys solitude and wishes his wife enjoys the same. Most of these men are lonely and wish their woman will do something different and be available. They have no contribution to their wife’s career and the wife is too busy to care for theirs, there are alienation and loneliness, anger and frustrations and such home is dysfunctional. The kids? Don’t even go there. This is just an example of what we see around us.
The point here is, lots of people get into a relationship or are even married before they discover this important thing about their existence. They just aren’t aware, so in the future, they face conflicts which frustrate their marriage… There goes the sad tale of some broken homes today. Some people indeed learnt to drop their passion in order to save their marriage, especially the women folks, but doing that is one hell of a difficult thing to do, especially if it could have been prevented.
3. What do I want in a relationship?: we all want different things, in fact, lots of us want the wrong things. What are your priorities? As we are all unique, so are our priorities. But it is so dangerous to want the wrong things in a relationship. A lady may want a man that will pay her bills, so therefore, she is out looking for a rich man, a man may want a lady that will cook for him, clean his house, and satisfy his sexual urge, so he is hunting for a woman that is beautiful, yet homely.
NEVER look for someone who will do something for you that you can do for yourself or even pay for. You can pay someone to cook for you, even clean your house, and we know some do pay for sex.
And Sis, you can work and make money, you don’t have a smaller brain or shorter hands cause you are a female. When you get into a relationship for reasons that are ephemeral, what happens after those needs have been met or you see someone who can do them better? That’s one of the reasons we jump from one relationship to another. There is a deep yearning deep down inside our soul, instead of figuring out what it is, we jump into the next ship that looks like it only to discover the ship is headed towards a wrong direction. If you are tired of constant heartbreaks, you may need to calm down first and ask yourself, “what do I want”?
4. What type of person do I want: this is a bit tricky cause we may get lost in a fairy tale and start looking for a Cinderella or Prince Charming which exist only in storybooks. But the truth is, anyone who can answer the three questions above won’t be looking for a fairy tale with it happy endings. When you know who you are and what you want, identifying “the one” will be less of a herculean task. A lady who knows her worth, purpose and passion, who knows herself and knows what she wants in a relationship won’t be looking for a tall black handsome guy with pink lips and six-packs, of cause she will be physically attracted too, but she knows the attraction is not all about the body. Same goes for a guy searching too, he knows the weight of his purpose and he knows pretty face and figure-eight can’t carry it, of course, he must find the woman physically attractive.
He wants a woman that will bear his last name, have is children, raise them, cook, take care of their house, host friends, and have sex any time he feels like. She wants a man who will support her dreams, explore the world with her, challenge her weaknesses and even conquer evil with her. Please, where is the compatibility?
5. Am I ready? this has nothing to do with educational qualification or age, we all should get to the point where we will decide that marriage is the next thing we really want to do. With readiness comes preparation. Never allow anyone to force you into something you are not ready for. Don’t go into a relationship to please those who won’t get hurt if your life is messed up. Be in charge of your life.
They say look before you leap, but I say look, watch, and strategies and pray before you leap.
Thanks for coming, hoping to see you next time.